Ben’s Blog

Summer winds cool thousand year memory laden arms
Years of stature has cooled this weary soul
Reaching high I melt into emerald rolling hills
Whispering wisdom and historic elegant charm

Evidence of I remains in the shadow
My soul reaches to cover the valleys below
This place of once romantic majesty and towering palatial show
Exists now a skeletal remain with pride warming hollow walls grown cold.

Proud
So proud
I live to feel your warmth as standing tall, firm, I stay,
These stony walls cradle beauty as roses twirl about
Holding in echoes, breaths, and impressions of once glorious medieval days

Daddy and Me!

My daughter (Kaylie) turned 4 on June 1st 2009. It is an exciting and sad day as she reminds us she is no longer ‘little’ and she is now ‘BIG.’ She is truly Daddy’s heart and I am thankful for every split second I spend with her.

FOUR

Where did it go ?
Where did it slip?
Oh how I pray that we’ve savored,
Appreciated and reveled in every moment of God’s gift.

1 – first glance
1 – new breath of life
1 – first touch, tender, genteel,
1 – tender grip of my fingertip
1 – giggling smile
1 – precious gift (her) revealed

2 – hands pressed together
2 – gripping eyes with the key to my soul
2 – turns fleeting ’round the sun
2 – more chances with you near, forever, to hold

3 – more candles aflame
3 – more opportunities to nuzzle
3 – times hoping to slow this tick
3 – moments of expression
3 – moments of self discovery
3 – more chances (for me) to decode this blooming female puzzle

4 – new kisses on the forehead
4 – arms embraced in a warm hug
4 – elated moments watching her dancing
4 – hands together, mommy and daddy, giving thanks,

Thanks for this baby girl, our sweetheart,

Our precious love.

Lonely.
Blood crusted fingernails chase this itch unsatisfied
Digging deeper
Searching,
Shedding righteousness
Replacing sensation with desperation
Overcome with burning hunger as I try
I try,
I try

With contemplative action do I lose life or gain vision
Do I sacrifice self
or risk perceived content?
Is it honesty?
What is honesty?
Has this honesty been eclipsed by fear?
Or in truth is it fear of cowardice that fuels indecision.

Exhausted and tired of rumination
This voice unreasoned will seemingly not cease,
Confused and tormented I look upward
Trying desperately to surrender my voice
My choice
For Your guidance
Your will
Your peace.

Still struggling to hold arms open
Living still in this deep dark place
Determined not to surrender
not to give up
not to remain in hell
but to move forward
Through,
Onward with His power
His forgiveness
His grace.

From the One we are breathed into existence
Born unique
Fueled by an insatiable need for individuality,
We search for that place
Our place
Where we are nourished by still tranquility

Our paths cross
Our eyes meet
Instantly vulnerable we’re consumed with insecurity,
Remembering not our origin we cower
Forgetting love
Our purpose
Replacing compassion with prejudged inabilities.

Are we truly that lost?
That self righteous
That busy to momentarily realize we share the same breath?
That afraid
That ashamed
And that disconnected to realize we share life
His electric rhythm beneath the air in all our chests.

Each Sunrise is an offering
A glowing reminder that reminds us
If we will only look up to see,
Choose to feel the warmth and light that sustains us
Binds us
To live interconnected not as one,
But as we.

I wrote this for my wife shortly after discovering she was pregnant with our daughter.

Why I Married You
=====================

The warm angel feathered quilt that wraps me as I lay
An illuminating smile that welcomes the dawning day
In your arms where I call home
Never to leave
Lost in time’s breath I stay.

It is you, so lovely and feminine
A rejuvenating soul, sparkling with a radiant smile
Holding you close, my feflection in your gentle eyes
Yearning to feel your breath aganist my cheek
In reflection I remain waiting
Waiting for that infinite warmth I so desire

Weeping inside as without your touch, naked I remain
Proudly staring at your picture
Remembering a sacred kiss
I’m enveloped by a soft “I Love You”
Unspoken, felt, yet conveyed.

Arms waiting for an evening embrace
A true homecoming wanted, needed, remaining in loom
Anticpiating pulling you into my heart
A kiss of love to greet
As I’m thankfully amazed at the blessing through us,
Growing inside your womb

As tomorrow new brings new challenges
A tsunami of chance to calm the still
Forever yours, unshakably yours, thankful to be yours
As all of me remains planted in time
Joyously content and fulfilled

I was trying to express how I felt and I ended up coming up this poem. For my lovely wife Tamera. I hope you truly know how I feel.

=======================
I love my wife.
=======================

Does she know?
How much I desire
I need
I long for a brush from her tender powdery plume?
Her sensual fingertips
Overflowing with insatiable electric affection
I am addicted to her tenderness,
Yearning for laughter
Giddiness,
And simply to see her bright smile illuminate all from across the room.

Does she know?

What have I not communicated?
What have I not expressed to help her understand how I feel?

I beg of she to help,
Tearfully, I ask, help me be.
Help me navigate this wilderness.
Be my compass and guide me to territories new.
Patiently teaching with an expressive heart,
Direct me ashore amidst this raging emotional sea.

Yes I know.
I know I am in lacking.
Expressive not and frustrated by deficiency.
Though seldom not of need,
This foreign expression holds the question.
How can my shriveled insides be shown transparently,
Naked and exposed for her to see.

Still wondering.
This insecurity such a ponderous vex,
Lost how to communicate throbbing excitement when remembering her?
How I long for her passion,
Lust,
Energy,
And sexual oneness.
How even amongst attractive others I only see her,
As I salivate craving solely her sex.

Does she know?
Does she consciously know she completes the ring,
Providing for my exposed emotional infancy,
A home offered,
A completed shelter,
A sanctuary,
A safe place near for me to “be.”

Fearful still of inadequacy I wonder.
Oh how I with constant question I wonder her.
Will she see me?
Does she still feel me?
Are flickering signals missed
OR,
Have I unknowingly doused her passionate fire once burned?

I pray this not true.
I pray she will forever be mine.
I pray she will remember the rainy passionate nights still.
Where two became one,
The memories of two souls in darkness nakedly intertwined.

I pray she will remain and long for my touch solely.
I pray she will forever offer her soul
This woman, mine
The one who completes every aspect of my life,
I pray she will remain with me now and later
To be with me hand in hand as together we grow old.

Does she know how time has seasoned,
Made more tantalizing my love because of our past, present, and future shared life,
I pray she will someday know why I love and want her deeply.
Why I love my precious gift,
Why, I love my wife.

I wrote this while closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and envisioning the soul gliding across the galaxy, over distant stars, and into God’s palace. The place, the creation and the beginning of time.

Breathing Heart

I close my eyes and walk across the sky
Lifted higher by warm memories bright
As Fireflies lacing this dark canvas of dusk
An undiscovered pathway guiding me
Closer

Light in step
I’m drawn toward the radiance of a distant supernova
A heart warm and welcoming
Gently guiding me
Closer

In darkness,
Though not alone,
A sound
One voice
The conductor before a cosmic symphony of vibrations
A whisper
Softly guides me closer

Traveling through time
Flowing between colorful dimensions unset
My journey folded by the fabric of space-time returns me there
The place atop mountains where I toss past to ocean’s depths
The place where I am free
The beginning of a new exhale
The first breath as my heart breathes

This poem is dedicated to all those who died in the 9-11 tragedy; especially those who leaped to their deaths out of desperation from the top of the World Trade Center.

Written 9/11/2002

Falling Angels
Falling no name,
A last whisper tossed deep,
Quietly into a cloud of gray,
Through your eyes alas clearly I see
As my life lived once outside the circle,
A new breeze, an offering, an intensity re-felt,
Through your courage,
Your passion,
Your pain

Fears boundless left far, up high, atop,
Reaching limits way up high,
As each breath blankets intolerance with renewed purpose and
unification,
This proud calling,
Heard amongst the ashes ringing tall,
Reaches oceans far,
Resonating clearly over the tips of frosted mountain tops

Herein a new day birthed,
A new definition for a grateful nation,
Your journey remains still,
Etched in the annals of tomorrows rise,
A path,
A dawn,
Forever resident,
Echoing throughout hallways near,
Felt within the vibration of a stadium cheer,
Celebrated with a loved one whispering in your ear,
An unrighteous gift of remembrance between the pulse,
A pause, as we salute you,
Your valor,
Unfathomable,
Efforts forgotten not in memory,
As you remain the breath in us,
Your energy ours,
In life,
As together,
We live.